


Everywhere and Right Here

by futuraultra



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band), VerKwan - Fandom
Genre: All Kinds of Love, College, Coming of Age, M/M, Missing Persons, Seventeen - Freeform, Summer Love, kpop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 11:11:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13716462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futuraultra/pseuds/futuraultra
Summary: it seemed like nothing was missing from seungkwan's last summer before college...except for hansol that is.





	Everywhere and Right Here

Chapter 1

“Are you coming?” I heard from the other side of the bathroom door. “Yeah, literally give me like 3 minutes, I’ll be right out.” I called back. “Ok well Minghao and I are just gonna wait outside.” Hansol yelled. I had only hung out with Hansol AND Minghao a handful of times together. I knew they did some, uhh, shiftier things when they were together. In fact last spring they got caught for shoplifting at a local convenience store; just a couple of lighters and a Mountain Dew, so they got off the hook.  
Now it’s the end of May, and we have one week of school left. Hansol and I are graduating, and Minghao has been taking a gap year to “figure things out” as he says. Really all he’s been doing is smoking with Hansol, playing Overwatch, and occasionally going on spur-of-the-moment roadtrips with the money he makes from dealing.  
Minghao isn’t a bad guy or anything, he just runs with a different crowd than I do, and Hansol sometimes runs with him. I’m not a prude or anything, I just never took interest in that kind’ve stuff. But since this is the last summer before Han and I go off to college, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and spend as much time with him as possible.  
Tonight the three of us are going to a party at Minghao’s friend, BamBam’s house. BamBam is Minghao’s age and is filthy rich. He’s been making tons of money since he was like 16 by buying and selling stock, and now he knows the stock market like the back of his hand and is a broker out of his house at the age of 20. I’m not entirely sure how Minghao knows BamBam, but my guess is that he was, or is his dealer and formed a friendship from that. BamBam lives on the rich, north side of town on the bay in an elaborate penthouse apartment to the tune of about 5.2 million won a month. I’ve never been to his place but whenever I’m around Minghao he always brags about BamBam’s Great Gatsby-like parties, and million-dollar weekend benders.  
It was now about 10:30 PM. We were running a little late cause I couldn’t get off work till 10 and I really wanted to go. Luckily the bookstore I work at is literally two blocks away from my house and I can get home in like 45 seconds.  
As I sprayed on my cologne, I checked my hair one last time and headed out. Hansol and Minghao are sitting on the steps of my porch as I come out of my house. As I step out, the nighttime summer air hits me with a mix of humidity and passion.  
I close the door and lock it and the two stand up and collect their things from off the ground. We begin to walk to Minghao’s car, a black 98’ Sedan. Minghao had put a spoiler on it to make it look cool I guess, but it just looked out of place on his nearly 20 year old car.  
We get in the car and speed off, basically re-creating a Formula One race as we get onto the highway towards BamBam’s. There’s little to no chatter on the ride there. The three of us sit in the company of Minghao’s modified stereo, which at this point only plays the 808’s from songs in a blaring, deep, and dark symphony.  
Eventually we’re driving along the bay, parallel to the city. The night lights are gorgeous; a menagerie of yellows, blues, and reds. Hansol is looking out the passenger side window and the wind from the open sunroof is blowing through his beautiful black hair like a dream. The colors of the city dance across his light golden skin, comparable to a stained glass window; intricately created, and beautifully preserved.  
That was one thing I had never told him, that I loved him. We had been “involved” when we were younger, but I feel like it was just passed off as young, horny, and experimental. But I really do love Choi Hansol. I think the diminishing time with him has really concreted that feeling. I want to tell him how I feel before we both leave for college in August, I just have to find the right time.  
We pull into the parking garage of BamBam’s apartment after Minghao puts in a code to open the gate and are immediately surrounded by immaculate cars; like driving between huge metal stacks of dispensable money. We get out of the car and Minghao pops the trunk and reveals a secret hatch in the hood where he pulls out several orange pill bottles containing sticky, green and purple weed nugs. He puts them in his black, alligator skin Hermes bag and we head toward the elevator. Minghao is dressed impeccably, he’s quite the fashionista. He’s wearing a blue, floral Gucci tracksuit and those horrible Balenciaga shoes that are all the rage right now.  
When we get to the elevator, Minghao puts in another code, and a few seconds later there’s a loud buzz and the elevator doors open. We get in and the light for the the top floor button is already lit. The elevator is completely glass and we can see the concrete of the lower level all around us. The elevator jolts as we begin our ascent into the building. As the elevator passes the lower two parking floors, it immediately opens up to show the bay, glistening in the reflected city lights. It’s almost terrifying as we continue to climb to the 30th floor where BamBam’s penthouse apartment is located.  
We reach the top floor and the elevator dings open. We are immediately met by two ornate looking doors that are decorated with gold, ivy trim. Music is cascading out from behind the door; moody, new-age dance-hall with bass that puts Minghao’s car stereo to shame. Minghao rings the doorbell to the apartment (a feature I wasn’t even aware an apartment could have). About 20 seconds later a young and glitzy man, who I assume to be BamBam, opens the door. “Minghao, what the fuck is up man?” BamBam says as he pulls Minghao into a complicated “bro” handshake. BamBam is dressed in a gorgeous navy blue suit with a diamond encrusted Chanel brooch clipped to the breast pocket. He’s wearing no shoes, but if I were that rich I probably wouldn’t either. His hair is black, so black in fact that blue reflects off of it as the dim lights of his foyer chandelier shine onto it.  
“Hansol man it’s been a minute!” BamBam yells over the music as he playfully pushes Han. Hansol pushes him back as they laugh together over the casual reunion. BamBam turns and points to me, “you must be Seungkwan! Yeah man Minghao told me you’d be coming along, what’s up dude?” He pulls me into a sideways hug and I return it. “Nothing much man, your place is awesome by the way.” I say in return. BamBam chuckles, “thanks man, I don’t get to spend as much time here as I want to cause I’m always traveling for work. But I’m here for a week so I decided to clique up with some of the old crew while I was in town.”  
BamBam turns to Minghao and they begin talking to each other as we walk from the foyer to the massive living room jam-packed with people. The lights are dim and the room is hot with lust and intoxicated chatter. The room is circular and a huge spiraling staircase made from white marble dominates the left side of the room. The whole back side of the room is painted with floor to ceiling windows and huge french doors that lead out to the apartment’s balcony where people are laughing, drinking, and smoking. Huge subwoofers loom over the crowd as the bass vibrates every skeleton currently habitating the room.  
I turn to Hansol, as I have yet to talk to him about the current situation. “So like I don’t really know anybody here, like these are Minghao’s friends.” “Don’t worry man, they’re all really nice, grab a drink and mingle.” Hansol yells back. BamBam and Minghao walk into the crowd to reunite with old pals, and leave Hansol and I to do whatever we please.  
We walk over to the massive bar in the kitchen where a bartender has been hired to mix drinks for the night. There’s not really a line in front of the bar, but more a gaggle of bodies meshed together, drunkenly communicating through ragged and loud conversations. Han and I push our way through and just ask the bartender for three shots of vodka each. We both take them down and I immediately regret not grabbing a chaser as the clear fire liquid scorches my throat.  
It’s only a couple minutes before the vodka comes rushing into my brain and soon I’m a part of the yelling homogeneous bar crowd. Someone yells for Hansol from across the room, and soon a handsome, round faced man who looks around our age, approaches Han. “Jooheon, oh my god dude, what are you doing here?” Hansol excitedly says to the apparent not-stranger. “Hey I know people dude. Hey could I get a lager?” Jooheon asks the bartender. The bartender produces a Heineken from his side of the bar and hands it to Jooheon. “Hey you guys want drinks too? Yeah let me get two more of those.” Jooheon rapidly fires off questions and commands through giggles and glances.  
The bartender hands Hansol and I our beers. I’ve never been the biggest beer fan but whatever. Jooheon turns to Hansol and I, “so what’s your name man?” He asks me. “Oh yeah umm, I’m Seungkwan.” I burp out. Jooheon and Hansol both laugh. “Yeah he’s like my childhood best friend.” Hansol says. “Oh that’s awesome man, we’ll definitely have to chill sometime!” Jooheon enthusiastically hollers in my face. His breath smells of beer and cigars but he himself smells of expensive cologne and hair product. “Hansol man, you smoke Cubans?” Jooheon asks. “Nah man, you got some?” Hansol asks back. “Yeah dude I just had a crate of Gurkha Black Dragons imported in the other day, really full flavor on those babies, 24 million won a box.” Jooheon boasts proudly. “Shit man that’s insane, what are you doing these days to make that kind’ve of money?” Hansol inquires. “I’m producing like a madman these days. Like that shit’s really taken off, I’m like traveling and shit now man, like ya boy on the come up” Jooheon chuckles. “I feel like we haven’t talked in forever man I didn’t even know you were that big now.” Hansol says. “Well let's go try out these new cubans and catch up man. Seungkwan, you want in on this?” Jooheon asked. “Nah man I’m good here, I’m not really into the cigar scene, you two go catch up, I’ll chill here.” I croaked back. “Oh, oh ok man well, I’ll see you in a bit dude.” Hansol says as he turns and melds into the crowd with Jooheon. “Oh ok see you later baby.” I yell back.  
“Baby?” Did I just fucking call Hansol baby? Shit maybe I am a little drunker than I thought I was, but to be honest with you I don’t really care, I kind’ve hope he heard it actually.  
I finish off the beer and order another shot. I stand at the bar and chat with the people whose names I can’t recall two seconds after they tell me. I’m pretty plastered at this point and eventually I’m dragged in the majority crowd dance-party-sex-time spectacular. Guys are grinding on me, girls are grinding on me. I swear to god at one point I think I told someone my name was “labido.”  
Suddenly “Truffle Butter” comes on and I’m dropping my ass like it’s my civil fucking duty. Suddenly a dance circle forms and my shirt is completely open. Someone hands me some sort of mixed drink, I take one sip, and pour the rest on myself. Everyone’s cheering and I’m suddenly I’ve become the hot new piece in the room. It’s really crazy how a few glasses of a certain liquid can really make you a whole new person. Suddenly I spot Hansol across the room sitting at a table with Jooheon and some other guys. He has a glass of scotch and is smoking a massive cigar. He and all the other men at the table are cheering in my direction, making eye contact with me that I can only describe as indecent exposure.  
I make eye contact with Han and I’ve never felt hornier in my life. I wanna make out with that man, no, I wanna fuck that man. I beckon him to come out onto the dancefloor. He mouths “me?” I nod yes and all his boys begin cheering him on and pushing him out of his chair. He puts his cigar out, puts his glass down, and joins me on the floor. At first our dancing starts out as fun, semi-platonic movement, but soon enough it’s a hot and sticky bump and grind mess. His hands are on my hips and I’m grinding back on him, my hand in his hair, and his breath on my neck.  
Sober, I wouldn’t have done this in front of all these strangers if you had paid me, and I don’t think Hansol would have either. But with this liquor in our systems, I don’t think you could have paid us to get off of each other.  
The rest of the night is a horny blur. We both have more drinks, we both “dance” a little more, I even puff some of Jooheon’s Jesus cigars like I’m a fucking drug lord. 

 

Chapter 2

Suddenly I wake up. I don’t remember ever closing my eyes, let alone falling asleep. My eyes are heavy, my mouth is dry, and my head is pounding. I run my hand up my body only to realize I’m completely naked. Jesus, what the actual fuck did I do last night. I slowly open my eyes and realize I’m laying on BamBam’s living room floor covered in old sweat, other people, and cushions.  
I scan the room for familiar faces. Hansol is thankfully still here. He is across the room on one of the semi-circle, leather couches. His torso is exposed and naked, the rest of his body is covered in what looks like several people’s jackets.  
Suddenly my panic kicks in; where the fuck is my phone? I jolt up disturbing a girl who is asleep at my feet. I apologize and she immediately knocks back out. The room is absolutely trashed and it smells of booze, vomit, and dozens of unfamiliar people. Suddenly a bone-chilling breeze hits my bare skin and I look over to realize the balcony doors are open. The sun is just cresting over the city skyline. It must be pretty early in the morning. Dozens of bodies are littering the floor, on the stairs, and covering every piece of furniture in sight.  
I grab a cushion and cover myself as I make a beeline for the bathroom. There are two people laying in the bathtub as I enter but I could honestly care less, I feel so sick. I throw up and sit on the ground next to the toilet, breathing heavy and collecting my thoughts. Ok, I gotta find my phone, my clothes, and get the fuck outta here.  
I stand up and drink some water from the sink. What was the last thing I remember doing last night? To be honest the last thing I remember doing is playing strip poker; I don’t even know how to play poker which I guess explains why I’m completely naked.  
I look around the bathroom to find something I can cover myself up with and I find a linen closet where I wrap myself in what I can only guess to be billion won sheets imported from like Italy or something. I leave the bathroom and start shuffling around the apartment in my DIY toga. I eventually find my phone in an empty beer case labelled “to sober Seungkwan” in chicken-scratch letters. At least no one stole it, and at least trashed me was considerate of his sudden lack of pockets and created this Santa-like gift in the night for me to find.  
I go over to Hansol and shake him. He wakes up with a moan and a face of confusion. “Yo, where am I? What time is it?” He whispers. “We’re still at BamBam’s, and I don’t know what time it is, my phone’s dead.” I say back. Hansol gives me the up down with his eyes and chuckles; “what did you get cast in Julius Caesar or something, what are you fucking wearing?” “I woke up with none of my clothes ok, I had to think of something. Let’s just find Minghao and get out of here, I have the worst hangover, and if my mom wakes up and I’m not home, she’s gonna beat my ass.” I say in return.  
Hansol brushes the jackets off of him to reveal that at least he’s wearing his pants. We begin to quietly scan the room for Minghao and my clothes. I find my shirt and pants by the table where Jooheon and his cronies where set up last night. Now we just needed to find Minghao.  
We decide to go upstairs to continue to search and are greeted with a massive hallway coated in doors. We begin to look in all the rooms; bathroom, no Minghao, movie room, no Minghao, laundry room, no Minghao. Eventually we get to the end of the hallway and open the final door. We are met by a massive bed, certainly bigger than a king. The grand windows are open, letting the morning light spill in, and the crisp outside air billow the sheer, white curtains. The bed holds close to a dozen people all piled from the foot of the bed to the headboard. In the middle of the human-heap is BamBam, shirtless, and covered in women.  
We stir BamBam and he wakes up with a snort. “W-What is it?” he asks in a daze. “Have you seen Minghao, we can’t find him.” We ask in unison. “Uhh, let me think. You know what, he left last night, said he had some, uhh, business he had to attend to or something.” “Left?! What do you mean he left?” Hansol exclaims. “I don’t know man, I ain’t one to be in people’s business.” BamBam says as he rolls back over.  
Hansol and I leave BamBam’s room and head back downstairs. “So now what?” I ask. “Well I guess we gotta take the bus. Problem is the buses only go halfway between here and our neighborhood, so we’re gonna have to walk the other half.” Hansol explains. “I’m definitely not getting home before my mom wakes up and I’m gonna be on restriction for like a weeeek.” I complain. Hansol gathers his things and we head down the elevator and up and out of the parking garage.  
Even though it’s nearly June, the early morning air is still a bit chilly. Hansol and I walk along the bay, down the few blocks to the nearest bus stop. We check the bus schedule and the line we need to take comes in 10 minutes; perfect timing I guess.  
As we wait on the bench of the bus stop, Hansol turns to me; “so like, we have to talk about last night.” “What do you mean? What is there to talk about?” I ask innocently. “Seungkwan, you know what I’m talking about, or maybe you don’t, you were pretty hammered last night, and honestly so was I. But we danced half the night last night, if you can call it that. And other half you had your tongue down my throat.” “Wait what?!” I exclaimed. “I remember dancing but I don’t remember that.” “Well I guess it’s true what they say, drunk words are sober thoughts.” Hansol says. “What do you mean?” I ask. “Seungkwan, let’s not beat around the bush and pretend that there isn’t shit between us. I’m sure you think about how we used to be, when we were younger. I think about it. Right now, I don’t know how I feel. I just don’t want to start something that can’t be fulfilled. You’re also my best friend, and I worry if we were something more, and it didn’t work out, that I’d have to lose my best friend forever.”  
This is insane, he actually, still has feelings for me? I think to myself. I don’t even know what to say, and I can’t tell if my heart is pounding from Hansol’s words or from the alcohol still surging through my body.  
“I love you!” I blurt out. Not as smooth as I was hoping that would come out but better than nothing. Hansol sits there for a moment before pulling me into a kiss. At first I’m in absolute shock, but it only takes me a moment to melt into it. I could die right now, and everything would be fine. HE’S kissing ME. I’m almost embarrassed as I know my breath is probably hot with stale alcohol, and my lips are so dry they’re almost to the point of bleeding. But I don’t care, I’m kissing Hansol Vernon Choi, my best friend, the love of my life. This moment is forever. I’m not saying that it lasted forever but, it defines forever. Or maybe what I hope forever is. This moment is bursting at the seams. I love him, I love him, I love him.  
After a few seconds we pull away from each other and I am transported back to the chilly bus stop in the early morning light. We look into each other's eyes and say nothing. Nothing needs to be said. This is everything all at once. Forever and an eternity. How it really feels to love and to be loved in return.  
We sit there in blushed silence, but it’s perfectly ok. The wind is chapping our cheeks and chilling our bones, but inside it all feels the same, a fire ignited.  
The bus eventually comes, and we ride it as far out as it goes. We get off and begin to walk the probably 40 blocks back to our street. We walk side by side; Hansol’s hands are in his pockets to brace them from the still thawing air. He looks gorgeous just like this. His flawlessness can be dizzying at times, like one look could send me toppling over.  
“So like I know you literally just said you weren’t sure what you wanted but...that little uhh, stunt, said otherwise. And like, it’s fine if you don’t want something committal right now, or with me, or I don’t know.” I say. “I don’t know either.” Says Hansol. “So for now, let's just take this day by day, and I promise to give you everything I am, ok?” I nod, and I can almost feel a tear squeeze itself out of my eye. Everything is just perfect.

Chapter 3

Hansol and I graduated that next week. The summer was ours after that, besides me still bound to my job 5 days out of the week. But Hansol would come and visit me during the day, and then after I got off we would go and run the town, doing anything and everything. Every evening, we would go down to our side of the bay, right at the golden hour and just sit in the lingering heat of the day.  
I don’t think I have ever loved, or will ever love anything or anyone as much as I loved Hansol that summer. I wish I could’ve melted into those days like a popsicle on black pavement. It’s those kind’ve of days you yearn for when you’re old and can’t walk. As you watch all the young caretakers in your nursing home run about carrying on their daily duties. They can’t imagine you as being young, and in love. They can’t imagine a time existing before them, stretching across lives that were young once too. But you remember that one summer that you fell in love all at once. You remember the pink sky, and the golden light against your skin, and how warm it all was.  
It’s near to impossible to describe the utopia we created with each other. This little slice of summer was every serendipitous moment crashing together. At times I felt like my love for him was so strong, that it would stop my heart. That my body wasn’t created for feelings like the ones I had for him. He was forever in a moment.

Three weeks after graduation is when he vanished. Vanished without a trace. Like he had never existed at all.  
I had gotten a phone call from Hansol’s mom. She frantically asked me when the last time I had seen him was. I told her I had seen him yesterday; we had gone on a drive out into the country, not to do anything in particular, just to be in each other’s presence. I told her I didn’t know. We were supposed to hang out later today when I got off of work, but we didn’t have any definitive plans.  
Hansol’s mom said he hadn’t come home last night. I told her Hansol had dropped me off at my place and that I assumed he was heading home after that. “That’s the strange thing.” She said. “His car is here, but he isn’t. His phone and wallet were in the car too.”  
“What?” I thought to myself. That was strange, at least if it was just his car there, maybe he had just gone somewhere on foot, but what teen leaves their phone? “Well I’ll keep an eye out for him Mrs. Choi.” I say over the phone. “Ok, thank you Seungkwan.” She says back in a distressed voice as she hangs up.  
I sit on my bed and think over the information I’ve just been given. “Ok, maybe something’s wrong with his car, so he brought it home last night and…..I don’t know, walked to get supplies for it?” That’s not really something Hansol would do. He’s not like a handyman or anything, he’s just a guy. And I still can’t think of a reason why he would leave his phone behind. Now THAT is not like him. Hansol isn’t a person to do things out of the norm. He’s a popular guy who has even more popular friends. He loves his family, his friends...he loves me.  
Maybe I’m way over thinking things, your mind just goes to the worst things doesn’t it? I’m sure something just came up and he’ll be back.  
I go to my drawers and pull out my uniform to get ready for work. “What if Hansol really is missing?” I think. Like you always see the wall plastered with posters when you walk into a into grocery store. What if Han ends up on that wall? Just another kid mysteriously gone right out from under the noses of his friends and family. Just another “missing persons” statistic. I don’t want him to become that. He’s not just a blip on the map, he’s my best friend, the person I love and care about the most on this planet.  
I’m probably way overthinking this again. I literally saw him less than 12 hours ago, I’m sure he’s somewhere.  
I grab my keys out of the keybowl on the countertop and head to my car. All day my eyes were glued to the clock. I was like an olympic runner on the starting block ready to take off. I just wanted to find him.  
Seven o’clock rolls around and my shift finally ends. I almost trip all the way to my car because I’m going so fast. Once I get in my car, I sit for a second to plan my next move. I decide that I’ll go over to Han’s house and see if anything’s come up.  
As I pulled around the corner of our block, I could see distant blue and red flashes of light. As I pull up to Hansol’s house, I see three police cars parked out front.  
I park across the street and watch for a minute. Two officers are talking to Hansol’s mom and Dad, one is talking to his sister Sofia, and two more look like they’re searching Han’s car.  
Now doesn’t seem like a good time to be here. I decide to drive home and wait for more information to come in. It puts me on just as much edge as ease that the police are involved. Is it really that serious? Has Hansol not come home even still? I guess I should be glad that professionals are now out looking for him.  
I need someone to talk to about this. I decide to contact a friend I hadn’t spoken to since graduation, he was my next closest friend besides Hansol, and I new he would want to know what I knew.  
I called his number and waited for him to pick up. “Hello, this is the Moratorium, Edgar speaking, how may I help you?” Said the voice on the other end. “Kim Mingyu I know it’s you, I’ve got some stuff I have to tell you.” I say back. “Wow not even a, ‘hey man how have you been since we graduated, sorry for ghosting you’?” “Sorry man I’ve just been busy with ya know, work and family and college…” “And Hansol.” Mingyu says back. “Listen I know you two are like a thing or whatever, like it’s totally cool.” “Well actually that’s what I wanted to call you about.” I croak. “Hansol has been missing for the past day. What’s weird is that his car is at his house, and his phone was in it, but no Hansol.” “Well maybe he dropped his car off and his rich friends came and picked him up or something.” Mingyu suggests. “That seems like it could be plausible, but then why would he leave his phone? That’s the part that really makes no sense. It’s just not like him. He would never just leave.” I say. “Unless, DUN DUN, he’s being followed!” Mingyu teases. “Listen man, I’m sure he’ll turn up, he’s probably just on some kind’ve of bender with his glam boys before he’s a prisoner to the system of education in August.” “I hope so.” I say. “Anyways man, you caught me right in the middle of an Overwatch match, so imma have to get back to you, but text me later or something ok, we need to hang out. And hey, don’t get yourself too worried or anything, I’m sure Han will show up.” Mingyu hangs up and I put my phone down.  
A sense of helplessness washes over me. What if yesterday was he last time I’ll ever see him? I tear streams down my face. I don’t even know what to do or how to help. I guess there’s nothing I can do for right now. 

I suddenly wake up to a knocking on my door. I guess I had fallen asleep without knowing it again. “Yeah?” I respond in the darkness. “Seungkwan, there are some officers here that say they want to ask you some questions about Hansol.” My mom replies from the other side of the door.  
I get up, open my door, and walk down the hallway. Two officers are sitting in my living room on one couch. They both stand as I enter the room and introduce themselves. “Why don’t you take a seat Seungkwan, and we’re just going to ask you some questions about your friend Hansol, ok?” One of the officers declares. I take a seat and instantly, my palms are dripping with sweat. It’s the classic feeling of guilt when your face to face with a police officer or a customs official at the airport; that feeling that you’ve definitely done something wrong even though you’re completely innocent.  
“So, how do you know Hansol?” One officer asks. “H-he’s my best friend.” I reply. “And I’m sure you know by now that Hansol is missing, is that correct?” The second officer asks. “Yes sir.” I respond. “As of right now, you are listed as the last person to have seen Hansol Vernon Choi. Is it correct he dropped you off at your house last night, June 21st?” Asks the officer. “Yes that’s correct.” I squeak. “Could you give us a rough time estimate of when that was?” “Umm, yeah, I say it was probably around 11PM.” I answer. “And what were you two doing before he dropped you off?” The officer asks. I’m quiet for a moment, really trying to recollect all the information I can.  
“We had just gone out for a drive a little ways out into the country after I had gotten off work.” “And what time did you get off work?” One officer asks. “Umm, yesterday I got off work at around 4.” I answer. “Ok, now continue explaining what the two of you were doing prior to him dropping you off.” Says the officer. “Ok well we just drove out because it was a nice day yesterday and we wanted to see the sun set in the country. So we drove for a couple hours, we just talked and enjoyed the sunset. Then we went and got something to eat and just chilled at the restaurant for a while. Then he took me home and that was that.” “Did Hansol say anything out of the norm that night? Did he say he was going to go anywhere or see anyone?” The officer inquired. “No, we just hung out and talked about nothing really.” I respond. “Does Hansol have any friends or know any people that you may not know, or anyone else that may know where he is?” “Well actually yeah.” I say. “He’s friends with this guy named Minghao who’s a year older than us that I’ve only met a few times. In fact the three of us all went to a party about a month ago to one of Minghao’s friend’s apartments on the north end of the city. Hansol knew some of guys there that I didn’t know, but they seemed nice enough.” “Could you tell me the names of the guys Hansol was talking to at the party, and could you also give me the contact information of Minghao?” The officer asked.  
“Well one of the guys Hansol was talking to said his name was Jooheon, and as for Minghao, I don’t have any of his contact info, he was Hansol’s friend, not mine.” I say. “Ok, and do you know the name of the owner of the apartment the three of you went to?” the officer asks. “Yeah his name was uhhh...it was something kind’ve weird….BamBam! Yeah his name was BamBam. I don’t have his contact info either as he’s like a friend of a friend of a friend.” I say.  
“Ok well thank you for the information you’ve given us, we’ll definitely use it.” Says the one of the officers as he and his partner get up to leave. “Hey did you find anything in his car or anything like that?” I ask suddenly. The dominant officer turns to me; “strangely enough, nothing. It’s as if no one had ever been in that car, not even Hansol.” he says.  
The officers exit my house and I watch them as they cross my yard and speed away in their patrol cars. 

I really hope they find him.

 

Chapter 4

It’s been a month now since Hansol disappeared. I leave for college in a couple weeks and it kills me to leave my street, the street where he used to live. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, but I haven’t slept. At the rate I’m going now, I feel as if I’ll die of exhaustion before they ever find him.  
Hansol’s mom has kept me updated on all matters regarding police and detectives. They found Minghao and questioned him. He knew nothing, or at least that’s what he said. They were unable to track down Jooheon surprisingly. They said he could’ve given us a fake name, but I thought he was famous producer who worked with big names? Maybe that was a lie too.  
So now the whole operation is at a dead end. His car was clean, his phone was clean; unless there’s a huge cover up going on, it really does seem like Hansol just vanished into thin air.  
I’ve kinda been holing myself up in my house since he disappeared, I only really leave to go to work or walk my dog. But even that’s painful, because everytime I leave, I have to walk past his house. I’m not giving up on him though. He’s out there, somewhere.  
My mom has gotten concerned at my lack of socializing and has suggested I go to therapy. But I don’t want to talk it out with some stranger. They don’t deserve to hear the pain and the love I have for him.  
So instead she got in contact with Mingyu and we’re scheduled to hang out today. He’s taking me into the city to just get out and away from my neighborhood.  
At around 10, Mingyu picks me up and we head to the city. We don’t say much on the ride there, what do you say in a situation like this?  
Eventually Mingyu speaks up. “What do you wanna do today?” He asks. “Umm, I don’t know man, whatever you want to do, it doesn’t matter to me.” I say. Mingyu takes in a deep breath. “Listen, I know how hard this has been for you. This situation fucking sucks. I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m sure you can’t either, but we came out today to enjoy the little bit of summer we have left before we both go back to school.” “It just hurts so badly.” I cry out. “Like I just can’t handle this! You know what the likelihood that we’re going to find him now is?! Really fucking low! I just can’t stop thinking about him lying in a ditch somewhere dead. I just don’t want people to forget about him!” I yell out.  
There’s a breath of silence as Mingyu collects his thoughts; “No one will forget him Seungkwan. At times it may seem like that, like maybe you’re the only one fighting for him. But believe me when I say that so many people love Han, and we will find him, alive.”  
We get into the city but decide to walk to the west side to see the bay. We sit along the wall that lines the beach and bask in the rising sun of the summer day. “I just wanted to love someone so much that I couldn’t take it anymore.” I say. “I wanted to love someone till we both burst at the seams, just once.” “Well that’s the thing about love, isn’t it? Love is a feeling. It doesn’t look like anything, it isn’t material. You’ll always love Hansol, Seungkwan. Love stretches across time and space; it is everywhere and right here. You don’t lose love just because someone isn’t here in the physical, you’ll always love him, and he’ll always love you.” Mingyu says.  
“I’m just in so much pain.” I say. “I know.” Mingyu says as he pulls me into a hug. “But this pain can’t last forever.” We both sit there, holding each other on the wall. I really needed this.

Chapter 5

It’s September now, and the air is chilling. I started university about a month ago. The pain of Hansol’s disappearance has lessened, but he’s still always on my mind. I still talk to Hansol’s mom from time to time, she’s still looking for him and currently has a private investigator hired.  
I met this new guy through an acapella group on campus, his name is Seokmin. He’s cute, but I don’t know if I’m ready for any sort of commitment right now. But nonetheless the two of us have become close.  
It’s all been a process for me. Coming to terms with the fact that he may be gone forever, but at the same time knowing that I’m allowed to enjoy my life and be happy.  
I haven’t told Seokmin about Hansol, I don’t really know how to talk to him about it.  
Tonight Seokmin and I are going to the club. I’ve never been but he seems excited about it, so I’m sure it’ll be chill.  
Later, I meet him at his apartment, and we decide to pregame before going out. We each take a few shots, and before long we’re a giggly mess on the floor of his apartment. Seokmin calls an uber, and within ten minutes we’re in the foreign car on the way to the club.  
We pull up to the club and there’s a line around the block, it’s going to be an insane wait. The club is lit up with a pink neon sign that says “Paradise Lost”, an interesting name choice for a club. “Seokmin, I-I don’t know if I wanna wait in such a long line man.” My words are slurring, am I really that drunk? “No Seungkwan, listen, my cousin owns this club, I’ll get us right in.” Seokmin says as he leads me up onto the curb and around the side of the building.  
He leads me to a side door where he knocks a few times. A young man, probably a few years older than us opens the door. “Seokmin! What’s up man, I haven’t seen you in a while!” He brings Seokmin into a hug, then turns to me. “Oh I don’t think I’ve met you yet, what’s your name man?” “Oh, uhh, I’m Seungkwan.” I reply. “Well Seungkwan, I’m Donghan, I’m Seokmin’s cousin, and uh this is my club.” Donghan chuckles. “Hey if you don’t mind me asking, why did you name your club ‘Paradise Lost’?” I ask. “Well, it really has nothing to do with the clubbing scene but I always liked the story. You know, Prometheus steals fire from Zeus to give to mankind and is therefore punished for eternity. It’s poetic I think. And like it also ties in with the Bible with Lucifer’s fall from Heaven, yadda yadda. I just like the motif of a paradise once had I guess, and that paradise isn’t forever. Enjoy what you have now, you know? Again, dumb and pointless to put that thought into a fucking club, but here we are. Anyway you two get inside and, uh don’t tell your parents Seokmin but, drinks on me ok?” Donghan ushers us through the door and into the main room of the club.  
It’s dim but I can see every face. There is a massive chandelier hanging from the 40 foot ceilings and each crystal is reflecting the dim red lights all around the room. There are masses of people dancing in center of the room with others lining the perimeter laughing and drinking.  
The music is vibrating my ribcage and, like a puppeteer, is moving the crowd like ocean waves of hormones. Donghan brings us two drinks, vodka and soda I guess, I’m already a little too tipsy to tell or even care.  
“Want to dance?” Seokmin asks. “Sure, yeah. “ I say back. He suddenly takes my hand and leads me onto the dance floor. It’s pretty shoulder to shoulder in the hoard of people dancing, but Seokmin manages to find a little space for the both of us to stand.  
We’re facing one another, and are at max 6 inches from each others faces. Seokmin is holding both of his hands in the air, one full of alcohol. He immediately begins to do what I can only describe as a hotline bling-esque move and I can’t help but cackle. We both begin to dance in sync with each other, drinks in hand. Everytime I go to take a sip I almost spit it out with laughter at Seokmin’s absurd, but suave dancing.  
I finish my drink and immediately go from tipsy to drunk, but I’m having the time of my life, here, with him. It’s been a minute since I found someone like this, that I connected with like this. He’s so cute with his eye smile and his little nose scrunch. He’s actually beautiful in this dim red light, stunning almost.  
“Whatcha looking at?” Seokmin asks. I guess I had been staring too long. I pause for a second, and then says what the alcohol wants me to say; “I’m looking at you, you’re kinda gorgeous!” I yell over the music. “Well I’m glad you think that because I was kind’ve thinking the same thing about you!” He yells back.  
What happens next is a bit of a blur, but a vivid blur, if that can be a thing. Suddenly Seokmin and I are making out on the dancefloor. His hands are on my hips and my hands are on the sides of his face. Fireworks are erupting inside me, god I’ve missed this feeling. My hands are running through his well-gelled hair and he’s running his hands up and down my sides.  
We pull away from each other to where we’re only a few inches from each other’s faces. “Wow Boo Seungkwan, you’re hot.” Whispers Seokmin. “I could say the same back to you.” I respond.  
We dance for what seems like forever, until the club managers finally kick the whole crowd out. I check my phone, it’s 4AM, geez. We shuffle like cattle out of the club, and out into the chill of the night. “Do you wanna just, um, crash at my place?” Seokmin asks. “Yeah that sounds nice.” I gurgle back.  
We catch another uber back and Seokmin helps my drunk ass up the stairs to his apartment. We both collapse onto his bed fully clothed and fully inebriated.

* * *

 

I wake up the next morning to the sound of a coffee pot boiling. I’m still wearing my clothes from the night before, at least I know that Seokmin and I didn’t have sex, but I think we still did a little more than we should have.  
A wave of guilt washes over me. What have I done? Is this betrayal? Who am I to have been involved with another man while the moon of my night is still out there somewhere?  
I run to the bathroom and vomit. This is no hangover, this is dread. This concentrated unfaithfulness, bottled up tight, and shoved down my throat. I didn’t know I could feel this way, but I guess I’m still just fine china that’s been casually smashed to pieces.  
I guess Seokmin heard my heaving, as he runs into the bathroom. “Oh my god Seungkwan, are you alright? Is it the alcohol?” He frantically asks. “Y-yeah, I’ve just got a bad hangover.” I lie. How do you tell someone you’re throwing up because of them? I just need to get out of here.  
“Hey Seokmin, do you think you could give me a ride to my place? I just really need to lay down in my own bed.” I ask. “Yeah sure Seungkwan, let me just grab my keys.”  
Seokmin finds his keys and locks up his apartment. We walk down the stairs and out to his car.  
As we drive back to my dorm, I look at the fire autumn trees. It’s a shame that winter has to come and void the world of such beauty. But soon, the leaves will fall, the air will freeze, and nothing will be left.  
Tears begin to stream out of my eyes. I didn’t think things would still be this hard. But how can I live with half of myself, with a big, fat, gaping hole where he’s supposed to be.  
Suddenly Seokmin pulls over. “Seungkwan, it isn’t the alcohol, is it? Did I hurt you? Please tell me Seungkwan.” I sniffle and continue to look out the window, hoping an asteroid will hit the car so I don’t have to tell him. It takes me a moment of thought before I pipe up the courage to speak.  
“When I was about nine or ten, I had a cat. He was a fat orange tabby, and I loved him more than anything else on the planet.” I explain. “One day, he stopped eating like he usually did, he was just being really finicky about it all. After a few days we took him to the vet, and they said he had cancer everywhere and that we should really think about our options. So we took him back home, and for the next few days he stayed posted at our automatic dog door; a dog door that only my dog could open. And then one day, we woke up, and he was gone. To this day, we’re still not sure of where he went. We think he knew he was sick, and so he escaped out the dog door, so he could die alone. But as a kid, he just seemed to have vanished, and I couldn’t understand why.” I’m crying again, salty, hot tears.  
“Why are you telling me this?” Seokmin asks in a soft tone. I take a deep breath in and out. “Because it happened to me again.” I sob. “What do you mean?” Asks Seokmin. I swallow the knot in my throat and wipe away the tears with the sleeve of my jacket. “I’m in love with a boy named Hansol.” I say. “‘And for some reason, three months ago, he just vanished.”  
“Seungkwan are you serious?” Seokmin asks. My breathing begins to become stuttered as I try to choke back tears. “H-how did he vanish?” Asks Seokmin. I force the lump in my throat down as I squeak out the three most painful words I can think of right now; “I don’t know. I-I don’t know.” I repeat. Tears are beginning to overflow and cascade out of my eyes. “I just don’t understand. It’s just something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around.” I croak. “He was here for a moment, and then he was gone. He just seemed to have melted away; like he was the last snow of winter that just couldn’t fight off the spring.” I say. “But how could he just vanish when I loved him so much?!” I cry out. Seokmin brings his hand to my face and wipes away a tear.  
Seokmin sits in silence for a moment, probably thinking of the best thing to say. He sighs; “And so now, you feel like you’ve betrayed him?” He asks. I nod my head and more tears begin to stream. “I’m so sorry Seungkwan. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you, and I can’t even begin to imagine the pain that you’re in. But believe me when I say, the world is not as empty as it may feel. I care so much about you Seungkwan, so, how about for now I just be whatever you need me to be for you? I’m your friend before anything, and I just want you to be happy.” Seokmin says.  
“Thank you.” I say in return.  
We pull up to my dorm, and we sit in the deafening quiet for a moment. Seokmin turns to me, and we embrace. “You are never alone in your pain Seungkwan.” I whispers. We pull away and lock eyes for a beat before I turn away and exit the car. I give him a nod and Seokmin waves goodbye before driving back into the autumn sky. 

Chapter 6

Two and a half months have passed since I told Seokmin about Hansol. I’m back home for winter break and the air is empty.  
Everyone assumes Hansol to be dead at this point. I don’t know what to think anymore, this is just life now I guess. It’s weird, when someone dies, you have a grieving period, and then the pain becomes bearable, and your life continues. You don’t forget the person, but you have closure knowing that that person is in heaven, or reincarnated, or whatever you believe.  
But with this, the grieving comes in waves. But you always hope he’s still out there, and that one day he’ll come home.  
I had a dream the other night that I was with him. He was so beautiful, and I was so whole. We just laid in the grass in front of his house, at golden hour, like we used to do at the beach. I can’t remember if we said anything in the dream, but it doesn’t matter. It was warm, and I was with him, laying next to the only thing I’ve ever loved.  
It was a tragedy that I had to wake up from paradise. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake up. That I could melt into the sky and be with him. I just wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to become two ancient paper dolls with him, and when the right time came, us both to go together, happy that we did everything and anything.  
I try to remain positive even though everyone around me has seemed to have given up. Maybe one day I will get to do the things I want with him. If he ever returns, I’m gonna marry him. I swear on it.

* * *

It’s Christmas day and snow is beginning to fall. There’s a different feeling in the air. One I can’t explain.  
My family and I open presents and have our traditional Christmas breakfast. It’s been a while since I’ve seen my sisters, and it’s a refreshing vibe to have in the house.  
After everything begins to die down, I decide to go for a walk in the newly fallen snow.  
The outside looks almost like Van Gogh painting. The sky is swirling with hues of blue, grey, and yellow, while the ground is masked with a sheet of white.  
I decide to walk to the bay, it’s only a few blocks from my house, and I’m sure it’s pretty in this weather.  
The sky is still producing a a light flurry as I walk down the boardwalk and onto the beach surrounding the bay.  
It’s a funny feeling, being completely alone in the wide open air. Almost like you could take up all the space at once, or none of it at all.  
The beach stretches on and on in either direction, and the icy water laps the rocky shore like it’s done for millions of years. I walk right up to the edge of the water and let it graze the tips of my snow boots. A distant chill caresses my toes which sends a shiver up my spine.  
The beach is completely silent besides the gentle crash of the tide, no birds, no people, just me and horizon…

Then my phone rings.

It’s my mom. 

“Hello?” I answer. 

“Seungkwan!” She yells desperately.

“It’s Hansol.”

Chapter 7

They had found his body at the bank of a river about 15 miles outside of town. The private investigator had tracked down one of Jooheon’s buddies who broke down and told him the whole story. Apparently after Hansol dropped me off, he had planned to go hang out with Jooheon and his friends. They had been drinking and Hansol just tripped down some stairs and the fall cracked his skull. They said he stopped breathing from all the blood loss and they panicked. They didn’t want to bring the police into the situation as they had been giving an underage person alcohol and cigars. It also turns out that Jooheon was never really a producer at all and that he had been smuggling copious amounts of cocaine into the country, and one more run in with the law would surely put him in prison for a good long while.  
So they took Hansol’s body out a ways, and dumped it at the river bank. They cleaned out his car as best they could, apparently with rubbing alcohol, and dropped it, and the rest of Han’s belongings back at his house so they wouldn’t be connected to him in any way. Jooheon and his friends were arrested and are still awaiting their sentence.  
When I got the news of all this I broke down so badly that I had to go into 24 hour suicide watch. How could they have done that to him? Just thrown him away like he was a piece of garbage? Like he was nothing?  
He. Was. Something. He was someone. He was a brother. He was a son. He was the love of my life. And yet, they just left him there, like none of that even mattered. Like he didn't even matter.  
He was just a kid. A kid who didn’t deserve to die that one summer night in June. 

* * *

His funeral was a week after they found him. I was still falling apart, but I know I needed to go.  
It was a small funeral, just his family and a couple friends. Mingyu was there and we both cried. It was a closed casket and it almost stopped my heart to know that was everything to me that was being buried six feet under the earth.  
I wish I was dead instead. I wish it was me in that box. I wish I had dropped him off that night instead of the other way around.  
I feel like there’s a tether that I continue to pull. Like on the other end I hope he’s attached to it, and that if I pull hard enough, maybe he’ll come back.  
But that won’t happen.  
Now I’m left to wander this Earth. There is no more Hansol. There’s barely any more me.

 

Epilogue

It’s his birthday now.

February 18th.

The air is cold, but the day is bright, and beautiful.

This is the first time I’m visiting his grave since the funeral. I thought today might be an appropriate one.  
It’s an overwhelming feeling, looking at his gravestone, but I’m managing, just taking things day by day.  
I brought his favorite flowers, blue hydrangeas. I sit down and bask in the gentle breeze blowing through the air.  
“Everything’s going to be ok.” I think. It’s the first time I’ve thought that in over 7 months. But, things will be, they always will be.  
The wind is chapping my cheeks and chilling my bones, but inside it all feels the same, a fire ignited, my love for him is everywhere and right here.

**Author's Note:**

> I love the concept of there being all kinds of love in this life. Love for family, love for friends, love after love. I cried writing this, but it was also such a pleasure. Sorry about no "major character death" warning, it would've ruined the story. I was gonna write a different story line where Seungkwan and Mingyu go and find Hansol themselves, but I wanted Seungkwan to have a sphere of relational experiences through this. Also, I'm sorry Jooheon had to be the bad guy in the end, I really love Jooheon, he's the sweetest.


End file.
